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The Perfect Day - Her
8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses
9:00 5 lbs lighter on the scale
9:30 Light Breakfast
11:00 Sunbathe
12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
1:45 Shopping
2:30 Run into boyfriend's/husband's ex and notice she's gained 30 lbs
3:00 Facial, massage, nap
7:30 Candlelight dinner for two and dancing
10:00 Make love
11:30 Pillow talk in his big strong arms

The Perfect Day - Him
6:45 Alarm.
7:00 Shower and massage.
7:30 Blowjob.
7:45 Massive dump while reading USA Today sports section.
8:15 Limo arrives, Stoli Bloody Marys.
8:30 Butler Aviation, O'Hare Field, Lear Jet to Augusta, Georgia.
9:30 Front nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.
11:30 Lunch - 2 dozen oysters, 3 Heinekens.
12:30 Blowjob.
12:45 Back nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.
2:30 Limo to Augusta Airport, Bombay Sapphire Martini.
3:30 Nassau, Bahamas, Afternoon fishing with all female crew
(topless). Sex for each fish caught. Catch 1249 lb. Blue Marlin.
Grilled tuna and steamed lobster appetizers, six Heinekens, nap.
6:15 Blowjob.
6:30 Lear Jet return flight, total body massage in transit.
7:30 Shit, shower, shave.
8:00 Watch CNN Live coverage of Bill Clinton's resignation. Hillary
and Al Gore are indicted in the same scandal (which involves graphic
pictures and large farm animals).
9:00 Dinner at Ritz Carlton, Oysters Casino, 20 oz. Filet mignons
(rare), Gorgonzola salad, Fettucini Alfredo, Chateau Lafite Rothschild
1963 (magnum) creme brute, Louis XII Cognac, Cohiba Lancero
10:30 Sex with 3 women, all from different countries
11:30 Whirlpool, steam and massage. Women quietly get dressed, hail
cab and leave. Midnight Blowjob. Sleep

How can you tell if you're making love to a teacher,a nurse or an
airline stewardess?
A teacher says we got to do this over and over again til we get it
right.
A nurse says hold still this won't hurt a bit.
And a airline stewardness says put this over your mouth and nose and
breathe normally

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her
daughter walks in.
‘Mother, where do babies come from?’
The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, ‘Well dear, Mommy and
Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their
bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex.’
The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, ‘That means the
daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a
baby, honey.’ The child seems to comprehend.
‘Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had
daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?’
‘Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.’

An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the
remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the
driver, I have a dead pussy.
The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, ‘Sit
with my wife. You two have a lot in common.

A young boy was looking through the family album and asked his mother,
‘Who's this guy on the beach with you with all the muscles and curly
hair?’
‘That's your father.’
‘Then who's that old bald-headed fat man who lives with us now?’

There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished
building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it
himself, so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it
for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said. So he started to
give a sign so the guy on the ground could understand him.
First he pointed at his eyes (meaning ‘I’) then pointed at his
knees (meaning ‘need), and moved his hand back and forth describing
the movement of a hand saw.
Finally, the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he
understood and dropped his pants and started to jerk off.
The guy on the 3rd floor got pissed-off and ran down to the ground and
started yelling at this guy, ‘You idiot, I was trying to tell you I
needed a hand saw.’
The other guy replied, ‘I know, I was trying to tell you that I was
coming.’