When nuns are admitted to Heaven they go through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels. Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy. "And so," says St. Peter, "have you ever had any contact with a penis?" "Well," says the first nun in line, "I did once just touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger." "OK," says St. Peter, "dip your finger in the holy water and pass on into heaven." The next nun admits, "Well, yes, I did once get carried away and I, you know, sort of massaged one a bit." "OK," says St. Peter, "rinse your hand in the holy water and pass on into heaven." Suddenly there is some jostling in the line and one of the nuns is trying to cut in front. "Well now, what's going on here?" says St. Peter. "Well, your excellency," says the nun who is trying to improve her position in line, "If I'm going to have to gargle that stuff, I want to do it before Sister Mary Thomas sticks her ass in it."
Monday, 27 January 2014
A recently divorced woman is walking along the beach contemplating how
badly treated she got over the divorce settlement, when she spies a
magic lamp washing up onshore. She rubs the lamp, and out pops a
magical genie!!
The genie notices her anger and lets her vent her troubles to him. As
a consolation, the genie informs her that he will give her three
wishes. But, he cautions her that because he does not believe in
divorce, he will give her ex-husband ten times the amount of whatever
she wishes.
The woman is steaming mad, thinking that this is hardly fair, but she
makes her first wish. The first wish was for a billion dollars. The
genie grants her wish and she finds herself sitting in pile of one
billion one-dollar bills. The genie then reminds her that her husband
is now the recipient of 10 billion dollars.
The woman can barely contain her anger when she makes her second wish.
The second wish was for a beautiful mansion on the shore of her own
private beach. In an instant it was granted, but the genie then
reminds again that her ex-husband now owns ten of what she wished for,
and points out at the beach to a small development of ten such mansions.
Upon hearing this, the woman takes her time to contemplate her last
wish. Just as the genie was about to give up on her, the woman informs
the genie that she wants to make the last wish. But, before she can do
this, the genie again warns her that her ex-husband will get ten times
what she wishes for.
‘No problem,’ said the woman as she grinned in ecstasy. ‘For my
last wish...I'd like to give birth to twins.’
badly treated she got over the divorce settlement, when she spies a
magic lamp washing up onshore. She rubs the lamp, and out pops a
magical genie!!
The genie notices her anger and lets her vent her troubles to him. As
a consolation, the genie informs her that he will give her three
wishes. But, he cautions her that because he does not believe in
divorce, he will give her ex-husband ten times the amount of whatever
she wishes.
The woman is steaming mad, thinking that this is hardly fair, but she
makes her first wish. The first wish was for a billion dollars. The
genie grants her wish and she finds herself sitting in pile of one
billion one-dollar bills. The genie then reminds her that her husband
is now the recipient of 10 billion dollars.
The woman can barely contain her anger when she makes her second wish.
The second wish was for a beautiful mansion on the shore of her own
private beach. In an instant it was granted, but the genie then
reminds again that her ex-husband now owns ten of what she wished for,
and points out at the beach to a small development of ten such mansions.
Upon hearing this, the woman takes her time to contemplate her last
wish. Just as the genie was about to give up on her, the woman informs
the genie that she wants to make the last wish. But, before she can do
this, the genie again warns her that her ex-husband will get ten times
what she wishes for.
‘No problem,’ said the woman as she grinned in ecstasy. ‘For my
last wish...I'd like to give birth to twins.’
A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle. He
picks it up, pulls out the cork and out pops a genie. The genie says
‘Thank you for freeing me from the bottle. In return I will grant you
three wishes.’
The man says ‘Great. I always dreamed of this and I know exactly what
I want. First, I want 1 Billion dollars in a Swiss bank account.’
Phoof! There is a flash of light and a piece of paper with account
numbers appears in his hand. He continues, ‘Next, I want a brand new
red Ferrari right here.’
Phoof! There is a flash of light and abright red brand-new Ferrari
appears right next to him. He continues, ‘Finally, I want to be
irresistible to women.’
Phoof! There is a flash of light and he turns into a box of chocolates.
picks it up, pulls out the cork and out pops a genie. The genie says
‘Thank you for freeing me from the bottle. In return I will grant you
three wishes.’
The man says ‘Great. I always dreamed of this and I know exactly what
I want. First, I want 1 Billion dollars in a Swiss bank account.’
Phoof! There is a flash of light and a piece of paper with account
numbers appears in his hand. He continues, ‘Next, I want a brand new
red Ferrari right here.’
Phoof! There is a flash of light and abright red brand-new Ferrari
appears right next to him. He continues, ‘Finally, I want to be
irresistible to women.’
Phoof! There is a flash of light and he turns into a box of chocolates.
It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman,
with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him
with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do
about it? Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the
boy was 16. She agreed.
He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the
teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the
shop and said, ‘I'll be 16 tomorrow.’
‘I know,’ said the butcher with a smile, ‘I've been counting too,
tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is
the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face.’
When the boy arrived home he told his mother.
The woman nodded and said, ‘Son, go back to the butcher and tell him
I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last
16 years and watch the expression on his face!’
with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him
with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do
about it? Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the
boy was 16. She agreed.
He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the
teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the
shop and said, ‘I'll be 16 tomorrow.’
‘I know,’ said the butcher with a smile, ‘I've been counting too,
tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is
the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face.’
When the boy arrived home he told his mother.
The woman nodded and said, ‘Son, go back to the butcher and tell him
I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last
16 years and watch the expression on his face!’
Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam
stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.
‘You're running around with other women,’ she charged.
‘You're being unreasonable,’ Adam responded. ‘You're the only
woman on earth.’ The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only
to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve.
‘What do you think you're doing?’ Adam demanded.
‘Counting your ribs!’
stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.
‘You're running around with other women,’ she charged.
‘You're being unreasonable,’ Adam responded. ‘You're the only
woman on earth.’ The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only
to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve.
‘What do you think you're doing?’ Adam demanded.
‘Counting your ribs!’
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